Welcome back! Last time, on Attack of the Saiyans, we saved Ox-King from burning to death, Goku and Chi-Chi got married, and Fortuneteller Baba had been replaced by a body snatcher that doesn't understand how faces work. Today, we're meeting a new character who is really going to shake things up, so let's head out.



Yep, we're meeting Raditz today. He's actually a pretty cool character who doesn't get as much screen time as he should have.



And immediately, things go to shit. Great.





Little did you readers know that this isn't actually a DBZ game; I've just been using my Photoshop skills to disguise it as that, and this is actually a video game adaptation of Signs.



The pod is opening! Farmer, fire wildly into it!



Kakarot is a play on the word carrot, and a bit of a mutation of the world. It's also Goku's real name.



Raditz here, even though we won't officially learn his name for a bit, has his name based on radish.





Oh, yeah, I should mention here that this update is 98% dialog.



We're setting up the next bit of game here, too.



Farmer does not shoot at Raditz here, so Raditz can't catch the bullet and flick it back at him.



Instead, he just vaporizes the guy. Which is still pretty metal.



And that goofy green monocle he was wearing makes his vision look like this.



It's called a Scouter, and it is used by the Saiyans to read power levels.



Power levels, as discussed in the thread, are a general measure of how powerful someone is. At this point, Goku and Piccolo each have a power level of around 300 (Goku has 334 and Piccolo has 322 ), and they're two of the strongest people on the planet (if not the strongest). For reference, Farmer there had 5, which is about average for an Earthling; Raditz here has a power level of 1,200, which means he's dramatically stronger than anyone else around.



Ultimately, power levels are kind of useless. They were used as a quick way to give an indication of how strong a character is, but quickly became ridiculously silly.



I still like the concept of a power level, though. It's like comparing two comic characters who have super-strength; this guy can lift ten tons, but that guy can lift fifteen. Just a quick look at how strong they are and what they're capable of.



Anywho, Piccolo has just sensed something that's made him nearly shit his pants.



One interesting thing to note about most fighters is that our crew can sense power levels and feel the relative strength of those around. A lot of fighters around, such as Raditz here, can't do that. He has to rely on his scouter to pick up on a power level or when someone is coming who has any measure of power.



At this point in the series, Raditz is powerful enough that he could kick the shit out of King Piccolo, Piccolo Jr., and the Red Ribbon Army, by himself, all at the same time.



For Piccolo here, imagine that you were going into school one day and that kid you teased mercilessly is coming at you with a machete that's on fire. That pretty well sums up how he's feeling.





: And who are you? You got a problem with me?

: I don't need to deal with the likes of you.

: So what're you here for?! You in that much of a hurry to die?

: Heh heh heh... That's a big mouth you got there. Hmm...Power level 322, eh? Quite a range of humans live here, I see. But you're still no match for me...

: What?! Do you have any idea who you're talking to, you freak?!

: Can't say I do.

: (This guy...! He's so powerful!) Haahh!!



Alright, you smug dick, let's dance.



Meet our next party member; Piccolo Jr. himself.





...Well, maybe that was a bit of bad luck. It happens.



So let's blow his head off and then go kill Goku.



Umm...Alright. Raditz is pretty powerful, but we can wear him down. Just gotta hit him.







Yeah, that fight is basically to show off what a badass Raditz is.



: Now it's my turn, huh? Let me show you a real move...



Piccolo is spared by Raditz's short attention span.



There's only one other "massive" power level on this planet.



I have no idea what the hell units of length Saiyans use, but that sounds really far away.





And with that, he scoots off, leaving Piccolo in the dust.



Piccolo is trying desperately not to be forced to have to unwrap his turban to use it as a new pair of underwear.





That's Goku as a baby. This proves that he's always had a goofy ass haircut.



Saiyans are really big on pride, as well as fighting ability. It's the kind of thing where one Saiyan would kill another for being too much of a pussy.



We're given control of Piccolo here, but there's not much to do.



Other than scoot on outta here and move on with the story.



: Did he mean...Goku?!! I'd better go to Master Roshi and see what's up...But who is this Kakarot?



Meanwhile, at Roshi's place...



Everyone is gathering together! 





: My goodness, it's been ages! Ages! I tell you, you kids are so ungrateful! It wouldn't kill you to come visit more often...

: Heh heh heh...Here you are, just a little gift, some of your favorite meat buns!

: Oh, my! You really shouldn't have...Couldn't you just let me have something a little more...Personal?



Five years later, Roshi is still a randy old bastard.



Behold, the only place we'll see that portrait!

Also, if anyone wanted that portrait at 150x150, for whatever reason...





And speaking of little dignity...



: What? Yamcha? That idiot? How should I know, huh? He crossed me one too many times, so I didn't tell him we were all meeting here today! We can party it up just fine without him, okay!?







And now, Bulma is calm and relaxed again. As for the answer to this question, I think it's canon that Toriyama had forgotten about Launch existing at this point.



Or maybe this was in the original manga. I don't know, I haven't read it.



Enough of that, anyway. Goku is coming!



...And talking to himself, apparently. Then again, it's anime; not that unusual.





...Oh, holy crap, he has a child.





: That's Goku's voice!



Outside, everyone is excited to see Goku.



Then again, if you personally knew the guy who had saved the world five years ago and hadn't seen him yet, wouldn't you be excited to see him?





Bulma asks the question that should have started this conversation.



Krillin, this is why everyone beats your ass.







I love these two reactions, so I left them as screenshots.





Aww, look at the cute lil' guy. 



: His name is Gohan.

: Gohan?! My, you named him after your late grandfather!

Actually, Ox-King suggested that name, and it's the only one that Gohan, as a newborn, didn't scream and cry about. He calmed down and even laughed a little, so Gohan it was.



It's here that we're given control and can run around and talk to everyone. Nothing new is in the house; Oolong and Turtle are in there, but Oolong doesn't have anything new to sell, and Turtle doesn't have anything interesting to say.



: But whenever I try to train him, Chi-Chi gets all hot under the collar.

: Why is that? It'd be a waste if you didn't.

: Yeah, I know! She thinks we don't need martial arts anymore now that the world's all peaceful! She keeps going on about how we all need to study from now on...





Chi-Chi is raising Gohan to be a nerd. Even at four, this kid has studied more than all of us put together, and probably knows a little more.



However, Gohan will go on to be one of the biggest badasses in the series, but we'll get to that.



Also, Goku hates that his kid isn't a dick. Or something.



As a child, Goku had a tail, too, until it was removed, because he could transform into a giant, uncontrollable ape, called an Oozaru, and would just wreak havoc.



And, yes, Gohan can do it, too. Tails are weird in DBZ world.



Oh, yeah, we're officially into DBZ territory now; we're at the very start of the show.



And this covers the dialog out here.



To continue on, we have to talk to Bulma again.



Where shit immediately hits the fan.



This strikes me as odd; shouldn't Krillin be able to sense whatever Goku's picking up on (which is Raditz, by the way)?



Yet, he's totally oblivious to it. It's kind of weird; when the biggest power you've ever felt is hurtling at you, you'd think you'd pick up on it. Or at least try to tune in to it, when your best friend is suddenly freaking out.

Or he would be, if Krillin could sense power levels at this point in time. I forgot that was something Kami had trained Goku to do.



Sure, Goku is far stronger than Krillin, but that shouldn't affect Krillin's ability to sense things like that, right? It'd be like if you were in a room with Hulk Hogan and the house you're in is burning down; he can feel the heat from the fire, but you're clueless to it all, snuggled in your feetie pajamas and eating a s'more, enjoying a cup of hot chocolate.

Once again, my ripping on Krillin isn't correct. I mean, ripping on him in and of itself is correct, as it's Krillin; I really like the dude, but he just has so much material to work with, it's hard not to. However, dogging him for not sensing Raditz is not one of those things, at least at this point in time.



: Here it comes!

: Ahhh!





Well, Saiyans have the strange trait that their hair doesn't change much throughout their lives, unless they cut it. Maybe they use hairstyles as identifiers, instead of faces.



This is true; for reference, this picture from the DB Wiki works well.





Both are fair reactions. Raditz sounds like a nutcase here.



Raditz hates environmentalism.



Oh, yeah, Goku was supposed to kill everyone on Earth, by the by.



And since he can't sense Raditz's power, even when he's two fucking feet away, Krillin decides he's going all Billy Badass on this guy.





Y'know what, Goku tried to warn him. Krillin deserves whatever comes his way now.



In the show, Krillin was actually booted through the Kame House, but in this game, he's merely smashed into it.





Goku starts backing away from him...



Only to find, like he himself used to have and his son currently has, Raditz has a tail.





Raditz, these guys can't see the opening cards like we can. They have no idea who you are.



: Hey, did you take a blow to the head or something?

: You can stop calling me Kaka-whatever anytime, you know! My name's Goku!

: Answer me! Did you get hit on the head when you were little, or not?!

: ...I did, actually! I don't remember any of it, but it happened when I was really young. I still have a scar from it.

: Dahh! I knew it...



Goddamned everything, Goku.



Which Roshi will fill us in on. Roshi, the stage is yours.



: Drove the man crazy most of the time, no doubt about that. One day, the boy fell in a valley and landed on his head. It was a wonder he survived...But the baby was so powerful that he recovered without any serious injury. What's more, his bad temper went away, and he became a good, kind child.

: Was...was that me?!

: Hmm...

: L-look, who are you anyway?! Tell me!



That child was probably Goku. As Saiyans are kind of fucking assholes.

: You've got a lot of work ahead of you, after all...



Also, Krillin's not dead!



And I know one of you jerks are thinking about it, but fuck off with your Krillin Owned counter.



: Be careful, Goku...This isn't any normal fighter.

: No...Doesn't look like it. I've never felt this way before.

: Right! First off, you weren't born on this planet, Kakarot! Your birthplace is Planet Vegeta! You are a Saiyan, the proudest warrior race in the universe!



Before I forget to mention it, saiyan is a rearrangement of the syllables that make up yasai, which means vegetable.



I said it earlier, but I hope you like food puns and things of that nature.





Yeah, Goku, why don't you next tell him not to get into any shenanigans. 



: Heh heh heh...The answer's simple, really. Kakarot was sent here to destroy the human species that lives on this planet! We Saiyans are a race of warriors...We search for suitable planets, eradicate everyone that lives on them...And when we're done, we sell the planet to alien races for an enormous profit. We sent adult Saiyans to planets with strong native species living on them...But with low-level planets like these, we send babies instead, like yourself. Luckily, this planet has a moon...With that, you could wipe out the humans here in just a few years. Once you get around to remembering your orders, that is!

: Oh, man...If that's true, then you guys are terrible.



True. Piccolo just wants to conquer the planet and turn it into a demonic paradise. None of this silly genocide and selling to the highest bidder.



A good question, Goku!



It's not an act, Raditz. Goku is dumb.



Remember, their full latent abilities unlocking includes them transforming into a giant monkey.



But they need their tail to be able to do that. If their tail is cut off or otherwise removed, they lose this ability.



Because of his "latent abilities" unlocking.



However, the Oozaru transformation is nothing to sneeze at. When in it, a Saiyan's power is boosted ten times higher than normal; if Raditz here went apeshit, he would have a power level of 12,000, which is pretty goddamned powerful for this stage of the series.



I think that's also because he's not a massive asshole, Raditz. Don't get me wrong, bro, I like you and think you're cool, but you are a dick.



: So what if I was born on some other planet with a different name and stuff? I don't even care if you are my brother. That doesn't matter to me anymore! Krillin's right...You Saiyans are the absolute worst!! My name's Goku, and this is my home! So get going, or else!

: Heh heh heh...I'm afraid I can't do that for you. We Saiyans were never a very large race, but now it's even worse...You see, Planet Vegeta is gone...It exploded after colliding with a giant meteor. Nearly all the Saiyans were vaporized in an instant...Our mother and father, too...There are only four Saiyans left in the universe, and you're one of them! Me and another one were saved because we were busy invading another planet. The third was sent off to a new world as a baby, just like you...He was lucky. Earlier, we found the most amazing planet. We could sell it for a huge pile of money! But it'll be hard to clean up with just three of us...You still don't have your full powers quite yet...But with all four of us working as a team, we should be able to manage well enough. You have to open your eyes, Kakarot! It'll be fun! Let your Saiyan blood go wild!

: You're insane! As long as I live, I swear I'll never join you guys!

: Heh...I see. Say, I couldn't help but notice...Is that your kid standing behind you?



The kid with the tail? What, no, that's just some kid. He lives under the sand and eats rocks. Pay no mind to him.





: That tail is all the evidence I need. He's got Saiyan blood in him.



I'm curious that Raditz doesn't seem to care that Goku went and knocked up one of the local aliens. Or that it's even possible for Saiyans to do that with Earthlings.



Not even a single question, even for clarification, or even acknowledging that.



Ah, so Raditz is one of those uncles.





Raditz ain't the type to cotton to that Billy Badass shit.





Gohan, as any child would, is freaking out because his dad just got his ass handed to him. Gohan is pretty much the only kid on the planet who could tell another, "My dad could beat up your dad!" and it's not bullshit. Goku could beat up your dad.





I don't know if Raditz was just floating there or what, but he actually flies over to Gohan.





: If you want to get him back alive, you better start listening to your brother.



Yeah, you're one to talk shit, Krillin. 



: Not that you have any choice besides joining us, of course...I'll need some evidence, too. Nothing very fancy, mind you...



I'd like to see Raditz as a criminal attorney or something.

: Prosecutor, if you can't show me all the people my client is accused of killing. by tomorrow, all in a pile, then you have no case. Jury members, if the corpse don't stack, cut him some slack.



: This is my nephew, after all...I'd prefer if I didn't have to kill him. Heh heh heh...





...Well, just ask Captain Yellow, Staff Officer Black, Tambourine, Drum, King Piccolo, Lucifer, Nicky, or Ginger. I'm sure they can answer that question.



Alright, Goku, you only have 92 to go. Let's see, Bulma, Roshi, and Krillin would make that 89, and Oolong would take it to 88...



: Once we're finished capturing our current planet, this one's going to be our next target!





To translate for those of you unable to read menacing laughter: "You're all fucked."



: So whether Kakarot passes his little test or not, it's all the same in the end. Got that, Kakarot?! Fight me all you want! Joining me is your only choice!



And just then, Piccolo arrives, but where nobody can see him...



: Your incomplete powers are no match whatsoever for your big brother!

: Waaaaaahhhhh!! Daddy!!

: G-Gohan!!

: Well, see you later! Tomorrow's sure gonna be fun! Ah ha ha ha ha hah!



And off he goes, having kidnapped Goku's son, while one-shotting both Krillin and Goku.



Roshi, we all know you're just as strong as you feel like being. I'm convinced you could have beaten his ass if you wanted to, but since it didn't involve pornography or a nap, you just weren't that interested.





Roshi has a point; Goku won't be doing anyone any good if he just rushes off and gets the shit kicked out of him.



Or what Bulma said, as that applies, too.





Well, relax, and let's think of a plan.



Roshi, if we're not careful, we'll hurt Goku more than Raditz ever could.



We're given control again; we can leave now and continue the story, or I can talk to these guys and save the game.



I feel this update is long enough, so we'll finish it out with a little more dialog. Since we haven't had enough, I guess.



This is a good idea, Goku. You see--



I really need to start checking to see if these guys have more to say before I get all 



Tien is off in butt-fuck nowhere, training, and Yamcha is off doing Yamcha things. I won't get into specifics beyond that, but just know that they basically require a few tests at the free clinic the next day.



This is also true.



Oh, yeah, we definitely will. And if you don't know what's coming, you're in for a treat!



But that'll come in a later update. We're done for now, after that huge amount of exposition.

Next time, we'll take a gander about the Kame House to see what Piccolo was up to, and then see what we can do about going to save Gohan. Stay tuned, Constant Reader!